How to Prepare for Your Adult Children Living With You

I recently read an article from the New York Times about adult children living at home with their parents. As a coach, I ask a lot of questions and have a lot of curiosities about people; what makes our clients tick, what their priorities and goals are, and most importantly, the true deep "why" behind all of that. (To find out more about finding your why, check out my podcast interview on Trade Show University.)

What stuck out to me in the article more than adult children living at home - and their personal situations and reasons that were presented - was the ability, preparation, and desire behind the parents having their kids move back home, or their children leaving home later than they typically have over the last 20-30 years.

We often hear that there isn't a plan for grown children moving home, what the goals and outcomes are, what the parents are willing to do, and in which ways the children are willing to or expected to contribute to the household.

Throughout history and in many cultures, multigenerational cohabitation was and is common; and many times very successful. In our own family, as far back as the 1400s and before, generation after generation lived together and passed along the legacy of many things in a castle in Northern Scotland.

In my research, the same wisdom rises to the top, source after source after source. Here are my top 6 ways to prepare for your adult children living at home with you:

1. Ask yourself: is this something that you actually want and are able to do? 
   What does your personal and financial situation look like? Do you have unresolved personal conflicts or challenges? Are you in debt? Does your or your child’s financial situation help the situation or make it more challenging? What is the status of your mental, emotional, and physical health? Are you being guilted into a multi-generational living arrangement? Are you trying to justify multi-generational living as a “fix-all” for family and financial issues or a way to obtain the property you’ve always wanted? What are your personal goals and priorities and does this move you closer to your personal goals or further away from them? 
   

2. Determine the “WHY”.
   As a family, determine your personal “why” and the “why” behind this living arrangement. Is this for the betterment of the family? Is it to help a family member out for a short period of time? Or something else? Knowing “why” ahead of time will help determine the direction of your family as well as provide a solid foundation during those not-so-easy times. (Download our free Why Discovery Guide to help you answer these questions.) 
   

3. Establish boundaries.
   Before moving everyone in, establish realistic boundaries and expectations around respect in the home. Living together can lend itself to opinions and sometimes tension. Establishing boundaries around child raising (if you have grandchildren), appropriate treatment of each other, topics to give advice on and ones to avoid, along with other areas of boundaries and respect will go a long way to stopping conflict before it can begin. 
   

4. Create room and guidelines for privacy. 
   We all need certain levels of privacy. When different people live together in a home, even if they are family, parameters around privacy need to be established. Talk about what is reasonable, when, and where, and what is regarded as private vs. common spaces as well as anything else as it pertains to privacy.
   

5. Establish expectations and responsibilities in and around the home that each member will live by. 
   Do not leave anything up to interpretation. From cleaning to meal preparation and child care, home and property maintenance to shared and individual bill payments/spending plans and financial contributions, household rules to behaviour, and family/quality time; it is imperative that everyone is on the same page and in agreement BEFORE they move in. This will avoid many unnecessary misunderstandings, resentment, awkward conversations, and even a family breakdown.
   

6. Communication. ABOUT EVERYTHING! 
   None of the other items above can happen without proper and respectful communication, but don’t stop there. Work together to determine a process or outline for problem-solving/conflict resolution and presenting or discussing ideas and suggestions for the family. Also, make sure to set out a process to evaluate the timeline and effectiveness of this living arrangement and purposeful regular assessment or reviews as to whether it is still achieving the goals that the family established individually and together. Establishing an exit plan should the arrangement break down or come to a natural end is extremely wise and will save headaches and heartaches for everyone in your family. 

Multi-generational living can be extremely rewarding, helpful, and enriching. It can also quickly become a family nightmare. Don’t begin until you “count the cost” and be sure to put all that your family decides together in writing. It is a good idea to have every one that will be living in or on the property sign it and then make copies for everyone. This may or may not constitute a legal document (seek legal advice for this as I am NOT a lawyer) but at least everyone will have a written document that they have agreed to and must follow if they would like to continue the arrangement.

Find the joy in having your adult children live with you!

Use our free Why Discovery Guide to discover the meaning and reason it is important to you to let your adult children live with you. This will help you set boundaries while still finding joy in this season of life.